I couldn’t believe the loneliness that accompanied childbirth.
Now, trust me when I say that I have no regrets about having children, but I wasn’t prepared for the loneliness that would ensue upon transitioning to motherhood. Overnight, my entire daily and weekly routine had to change, and I could no longer go out or be spontaneous with friends like I had before. My husband and I were so busy and tired we often felt like two ships passing in the night (or possibly more like two of the small tug boats passing on the dirty, narrow canal right outside our apartment windows in Shanghai).
Haven’t we all found ourselves in lonely times? Some extremely lonely times. They often accompany a transition in our lives, but they can be unexpected too. Whatever the cause, loneliness hurts, especially if it is prolonged loneliness. And the introspective gaze that leads us to wonder what is wrong with us—and will we ever find close friends and the relational intimacy that we long for—can lead us to even darker places than loneliness itself.
When we find ourselves on this kind of path, there are actions that can lead us away from loneliness as well as behaviors that can make loneliness the period of refining and change that it ought to be.
From my own experience and study, there are two main avenues for moving through loneliness and into intimacy and true friendship.
Avenue 1. Appreciate the difference between loneliness and solitude.
We all understand that loneliness isn’t the same as solitude. We’ve had the experience of feeling lonely in a crowded room or even at a social gathering. However, we can often feel extremely lonely when we have excessive solitude. We are caring for those who can’t converse with us, or we have a job that requires us to be alone much of the day, only to return to an empty home at night. At the same time, solitude doesn’t always lead to loneliness. There are times in our lives when we long for solitude. We need time alone to rest and recharge.
Reflecting on the difference between loneliness and solitude can help us to face the real cause of our loneliness. It may be sorrow or bitterness from a friendship that has fallen apart; it may be disappointed expectations in a relationship that never came to fruition. It could even be bitterness and anger toward a group of people that we feel have betrayed us or let us down.
God wants us to confront these temptations and endure these kinds of trials. And He may be guiding us into a period of intense solitude to give us time and opportunity to do just that. He wants us to run to Him first, and loneliness provides powerful momentum in that direction. It drives us to see our need for Him. Then, solitude (the act of being alone) is the means of spending the time we need with Him.
When you don’t have the trustworthy peers around you who can sympathize, care for, and counsel you, recognize that this form of solitude is a powerful force for good in your life, if you instead rely on Jesus Christ.
Jesus describes the kind of intimacy that He offers to each of us who follow Him:
Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me.
John 15:4
He then goes further, using language that we can understand even more than the image of living as a branch and a vine. Shockingly, but clearly, He calls us His friends.
No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, he may give it to you.
John 15:15–16
Many of us as Christians still have very little understanding of what it means to be friends with Jesus Christ. But when we are alone, left with no peers to understand us and separated from family who ought to love us, Jesus Christ wants us to take that time to invest in a deeper friendship with Him. These trials have a purpose, and if we make this solitude count, we can learn more what it means to be a friend of Jesus.
He has already chosen us. Have we dedicated time to being a good friend to Him?
By recognizing and appreciating this moment of solitude—even if it has been occasioned by difficult transitions or major heartache—we can take this opportunity to truly befriend Christ in ways that we never have before.
In the next article, we’ll look at the second avenue for moving through loneliness and into intimacy and true friendship. Until then, let’s take this moment to reflect on Jesus, our greatest friend.
Suggested Reading:
“In a culture where online communications and communities can be set up in seconds, it is striking that loneliness is still rampant. Even in the church, a place where we might hope for an oasis of love and acceptance, we can find interactions awkward and superficial. It’s for this reason that Vaughan Roberts takes us back to the Bible, and challenges us to consider our need for true friendship. He’s both honest and clear in his approach as he shows us that knowing and being known by God is the hope we need to begin to deal with the sickness of our ‘self–love’ society.”
In Relationships: A Mess Worth Making, Tim and Paul discuss the relational disappointments that we all suffer both in and out of the church. But they are also optimistic about the power of Christian beliefs to redeem and restore our relationships. Rather than presenting new or sophisticated techniques to make relationships flourish, the authors instead focus on the basic, Christian character qualities that can only be formed in the heart by the gospel. (Amazon description)
“How People Change targets the root of a person: the heart. When our core desires and motivations change, only then will behavior follow. Using a biblical model of Heat, Thorns, Cross, and Fruit, Paul David Tripp and Timothy S. Lane reveal how lasting change is possible.” (Amazon description)
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This is so good! I feel the loneliness every now and then but learning to see Jesus as my ever present friend, and tending to Him also, helps take the focus off of being alone. Thank you for this incredibly thoughtful and beautiful post, much needed in today’s world … 🙏💕