If you lived in Shanghai from 2011 to 2018, you might have seen me on a crowded subway, standing out like a bright orange Cheeto on a beige living room carpet. With a stroller in front, another child or two in tow, and enough diapers and snacks for the day, we’d head into the city to do something. Kind and friendly strangers would smile at us, chat with the children, give me a thumbs-up and say, “很厉害!” (Hen li hai!—very powerful!).
I did not feel powerful. I felt super tired and weak. Getting up and out of the house was a matter of survival, and often I felt desperate during those years of raising very young children.
At times, I’ve treated my younger children as accessories I have to carry or herd around. Although I envision having “real” conversations with them as they get older, in the seasons that they are small, they can feel more like tasks that I have to deal with. Author Rachel Jankovic really points to how we change this kind of thinking. She points out that,
“Christian childrearing is a pastoral pursuit, not an organizational challenge.”
Loving the Little Years and Fit to Burst by Rachel Jankovic are both excellent books for moms, especially moms of young children. Both books are encouraging and full of truth that will gently challenge you to change.
Her chapters are all really short, and they functioned like little pep talks to me. They have helped me really consider parenting and loving my children in a more biblical way.
Here are a few quotes from Fit to Burst:
“[W]e have trained ourselves to be people who think in snapshots. We look at a photo of a dreamy home—and extrapolate a whole dreamy life from that one picture. We see calm, clean, simple. We see a life without trouble, without endless piles of shoes by the door. . . . the problem with pictures is that they have no direction. They have no goals. There are no obstacles in the life of a photograph. And that is the reason they are so appealing. We look at them and yearn for a life with no growth, a life of arrival. But God did not create us as creatures of arrival. He made us need to eat all the time. He made us to need to sleep at regular and long intervals. He made us to need to breath constantly.”
“Oftentimes mothers want this for their real lives. We always want everything to look as if we have arrived, all the time. That is like focusing entirely on the victory moment. Like a football player who never trains, but only practices his touchdown dance. Like a woman who sets beautiful tables for a living, but never feeds anyone. Real life is messy because it is going somewhere. Things constantly need to be done because people are constantly growing. Repetition should not be discouraging to us, it should be challenging.”
“The funny thing is that we know well that we learn through repetition. We need to practice songs before we can sing them. We need to try something over and over before we have mastered it. We have accepted that part of being human. What we appear not to have accepted is the subject matter. I don’t want to cook for the family again. I don’t want to do the laundry again. I don’t want to vacuum, to make a birthday cake, to blow a nose, to change a diaper, to pick up toys. I don’t want to practice this work that God gave me because, frankly, I’d rather not be good at it. Because, somewhere in there, we don’t like what God has called us to do.”
“We don’t know the value of what we do. We can’t always see why God wants us to be doing these things, so we want to negotiate with Him Lord, couldn’t you think of something better for me to do? Or worse, rather than complain to God, asking for Him to answer us, we complain to others. We fuss at the children for being what they can’t help being. We get dreary to our husbands, explaining yet again how repetitive our lives are. We droop. We make fun of our jobs to ourselves and to others. We belittle our work, we make much of the mindlessness of it, and, not surprisingly, we then lose interest in it.”
“He wants to see us perfecting the work we are given, cheerfully and willingly practicing when we do not see all the value.”
“Be a faithful student. God is not training you for no reason. Practice. Practice. Practice. But practice with thanksgiving. Practice with joy. Practice with gratitude. Practice with hope.”
“Cheerfully embracing the mundane work in your life, diving into the challenges, working harder than you would think was possible at the little, at the trivial, at the boring—these are all ways to say, ‘Use me Lord; I am your servant.’”
Proverbs 31:17 tells us that the excellent wife “dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong.” I think we as women have sometimes wanted to lead and be in charge, but at the same time, we are often afraid to be really strong. We are afraid that if we are too independent (truly independent, not just independently-minded), we will be alone.
When I was unmarried, I remember trying to find a husband who I imagined would “take care of me.” I felt like because men have a protective instinct, being weak and needy was desirable. But that’s not God’s picture of what a woman should be. He says that she is strong; He gives a huge list of things that she does, and then He says, “Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come” (Proverbs 31:25).
I think sometimes I am afraid of being strong (it will mean I just have to do more work!); I’m afraid of being satisfied (it will mean that God won’t give me that thing I want!); I’m afraid of being capable (it will mean I’m given tasks I don’t want to do!).
But God has a plan for us, a really good plan, and He gives us opportunities to do things to make us more skilled at what He wants us to accomplish. Each day is a day that we can become stronger and more capable. Experiencing weaknesses doesn’t mean that we should shy away from hard work—it means that we need to embrace practice and recognize that God is our strength.
“This is a small collection of thoughts on mothering young children for when you are motivated, for when you are discouraged, for the times when discipline seems fruitless, and for when you are just plain old tired. The opportunities for growth abound here but you have to be willing. You have to open your heart to the tumble. As you deal with your children, deal with yourself always and first. This is what it looks like, and feels like, to walk as a mother with God.” (Amazon description)
“Fit to Burst is chock-full of humorous examples and fresh advice covering issues familiar to every mom such as guilt cycles, temptations to be ungrateful or bitter, and learning how to honor Jesus by giving in the mundane things. But this book also addresses less familiar topics, including the impact that moms have on the relationships between dads and kids, the importance of knowing when to laugh at kid-sized sin, and more.” (Amazon description)
Other Suggested Reading:
“In this encouraging book for frazzled moms, Gloria Furman helps us reorient our vision of motherhood around what the Bible teaches. Showing how to pursue a vibrant relationship with God―even when discouragement sets in and the laundry still needs to be washed―this book will help you treasure Christ more deeply no matter how busy you are.” (Amazon description)
“Triggers: Exchanging Parent’s Angry Reactions for Gentle Biblical Responses examines common parenting issues that cause us to explode inappropriately at our children. Moving beyond simple parenting tips on how to change your child’s behavior, authors Amber Lia and Wendy Speake offer biblical insight and practical tools to equip and encourage you on the journey away from anger-filled reactions toward gentle, biblical responses.” (Amazon description)
“Mother-daughter team Elyse Fitzpatrick and Jessica Thompson contend that every way we try to make our kids “good” is simply an extension of Old Testament Law―a set of standards that is not only unable to save our children, but also powerless to change them. Give Them Grace is a revolutionary perspective on parenting that shows us how to receive the gospel afresh and give grace in abundance, helping our children know the dazzling love of Jesus and respond with heartfelt obedience.” (Amazon description)
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