What does the Bible say about friendship & loneliness?

We have all faced times of loneliness, possibly extreme loneliness, and possibly extended periods of loneliness. These can cause us to be introspective, asking what is wrong with us, or why this is happening. However, one of the things God wants us to do during these periods when we are alone is run to Him. One way we can do that is to study exactly what the Bible says about friendship. This is going to be a longer article because I want it to be a catalogue of verses related to friendship and loneliness. It is not exhaustive, but it will include many scriptures that you can use as a reference for your own study. Let’s dive in and see what God says about friendship. For each scripture passage, there is a link to see the verses in context of the entire chapter.

From the very beginning, God made us social creatures.

Then the LORD God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” Now out of the ground the LORD God had formed every beast of the field and every bird of the heavens and brought them to the man to see what he would call them. And whatever the man called every living creature, that was its name. The man gave names to all livestock and to the birds of the heavens and to every beast of the field. But for Adam there was not found a helper fit for him. So the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. And the rib that the LORD God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. Then the man said, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.” Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

Gen 2:18-25

God made Adam different from all the other creatures. God intended to have fellowship with man, but He recognized that it was also good for man to have fellowship with a peer. Notice that the companion God made for Adam was not exactly the same. We often hope to find a friend who is very similar to us, but when God made a companion for Adam, He made a woman. In spite of the differences between men and women (or perhaps because of them) she was his perfect, one-and-only peer for many years, until their children grew old enough to be able to have a friendship with them. This seems to be part of God’s perfect plan for them, even before sin wrecked our world.

In His goodness, God created us to have fellowship with Him, and He also gave us companions, often people who are different from us, so that we can have fellowship with peers. He also established the marriage relationship primarily for companionship.

Loneliness is a result of sin (our own or someone else’s or both).

We immediately see the broken relationships in Eden as soon as Adam and Eve sin. Their lives become extremely difficult because of their choices, choices that they blame one another for. We can imagine how challenging it was for them to be forced out of the garden and have to make a life together. And yet, they needed each other for survival. They were able to start a family and work through, on some level, what their new life meant for them and their relationship.

Throughout history, sin continues to drive us apart. One poignant example is of God’s people as a whole, many centuries after Adam and Eve:

How lonely sits the city that was full of people! How like a widow has she become, she who was great among the nations! She who was a princess among the provinces has become a slave. She weeps bitterly in the night, with tears on her cheeks; among all her lovers she has none to comfort her; all her friends have dealt treacherously with her; they have become her enemies. Judah has gone into exile because of affliction and hard servitude; she dwells now among the nations, but finds no resting place; her pursuers have all overtaken her in the midst of her distress. The roads to Zion mourn, for none come to the festival; all her gates are desolate; her priests groan; her virgins have been afflicted, and she herself suffers bitterly. Her foes have become the head; her enemies prosper, because the LORD has afflicted her for the multitude of her transgressions; her children have gone away, captives before the foe. From the daughter of Zion all her majesty has departed. Her princes have become like deer that find no pasture; they fled without strength before the pursuer. Jerusalem remembers in the days of her affliction and wandering all the precious things that were hers from days of old. When her people fell into the hand of the foe, and there was none to help her, her foes gloated over her; they mocked at her downfall.

Lam 1:1-7 

What a sad picture of God’s people! Again, our sin keeps us from fellowship with God and others; and we need to realize that when we sin by putting earthly things first, by putting all our energy into pursuing friends in this world and gathering treasures in this world, we are in great danger of being abandoned by everything. If we surround ourselves, give ourselves, to earthly pursuits, it will all blow away or be burned up. If this doesn’t happen during our lifetime (which God often uses to remind us to rely on and turn to Him), then it will happen at the end. What a desolate life!

But it doesn’t end there. God cast us out, causes us to be alone, but He wants us to feel that there is a problem, that we are lacking something that we need so that we come to Him.

“The LORD is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.” The LORD is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD. It is good for a man that he bear the yoke in his youth. Let him sit alone in silence when it is laid on him; let him put his mouth in the dust– there may yet be hope; let him give his cheek to the one who strikes, and let him be filled with insults. For the Lord will not cast off forever, but, though he cause grief, he will have compassion according to the abundance of his steadfast love; for he does not willingly afflict or grieve the children of men.

Lam 3:24-33

The psalmist was able to say “It is good for me that I was afflicted, that I might learn your statutes” (Ps. 119: 71). Feeling afflicted, including by loneliness isn’t the end. It could be a way that God is teaching you to turn to Him. It could be a path toward reconciliation and peace. We know that no matter what, He wants you to run to Him at this time. He has a good plan for us.

Believers are going to be alone in some ways because they are separated from the world.

How can I curse whom God has not cursed? How can I denounce whom the LORD has not denounced? For from the top of the crags I see him, from the hills I behold him; behold, a people dwelling alone, and not counting itself among the nations!

Num 23:8-9 

O LORD, you know; remember me and visit me, and take vengeance for me on my persecutors. In your forbearance take me not away; know that for your sake I bear reproach. Your words were found, and I ate them, and your words became to me a joy and the delight of my heart, for I am called by your name, O LORD, God of hosts. I did not sit in the company of revelers, nor did I rejoice; I sat alone, because your hand was upon me, for you had filled me with indignation. Why is my pain unceasing, my wound incurable, refusing to be healed? Will you be to me like a deceitful brook, like waters that fail? Therefore thus says the LORD: “If you return, I will restore you, and you shall stand before me. If you utter what is precious, and not what is worthless, you shall be as my mouth. They shall turn to you, but you shall not turn to them. And I will make you to this people a fortified wall of bronze; they will fight against you, but they shall not prevail over you, for I am with you to save you and deliver you, declares the LORD. I will deliver you out of the hand of the wicked, and redeem you from the grasp of the ruthless.”

Jer 15:15-21 

Balaam was asked to curse God’s people, and this is how He described them: blessed, not cursed by God, separate from the other nations. Jeremiah was separated, even from the others in his own nation, a nation that was God’s chosen people, because they refused to listen to God’s word. There is a sense in which being separate and alone is part of God’s plan for His people in this broken world. We don’t have the same goals as unbelievers; we don’t enjoy the same activities; we can’t agree on the most important parts of life; they cannot give us counsel because our counsel must come from God’s word. Everyone is our neighbor, but not everyone can be a close friend.

Although this causes us to feel uncomfortable in this world, it is not a problem because our focus is on God’s promises and the future home He has for us. This world is not our home. We are merely travelers passing through on our way to our real home. And at this time, we must look to God first, keeping spiritual priorities and not getting distracted by the world, so that we can have joy in Him in this life.

God will fellowship with us closely at times when we are alone.

And Jacob was left alone. And a man wrestled with him until the breaking of the day.

Gen 32:24

And after he had dismissed the crowds, he went up on the mountain by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone.

Mat 14:23 

In one sense, we are never alone: God is always there with us, guiding us. Sometimes, He will be especially close to us, and today, we have His Spirit actually living inside of us. I can think of times when I have really wrestled with His truth, trying to make sense of it and see how it should work out in my life. It is often at these times, when I submit to His truth and meditate on its purposes in my life, that I can really feel His presence, His Spirit’s enlightening power in my mind, and His grace and love reaching down to me. This happens when we are alone. It’s really not possible to interact with His truth on that level when there are other people around; even during a sermon there is someone else speaking.

God demands that we spend time alone with Him, sitting at His feet, waiting to learn from Him. It is possible that He gives us seasons of being alone so that He can show us that our primary relationship is with Him.

We will never be truly alone if we are following and serving God.

So Jesus said to them, “When you have lifted up the Son of Man, then you will know that I am he, and that I do nothing on my own authority, but speak just as the Father taught me. And he who sent me is with me. He has not left me alone, for I always do the things that are pleasing to him.” As he was saying these things, many believed in him. So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed in him, “If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

John 8:28-32 

“Behold, the hour is coming, indeed it has come, when you will be scattered, each to his own home, and will leave me alone. Yet I am not alone, for the Father is with me.”

John 16:32 

Jesus came alone into the world, with no one else who was like Him. Yet He says that God did not leave Him alone. God was with Him. And when Jesus left, He made sure that we would also have this privilege by leaving His Spirit, who acts as a sweet, loving counselor and guide when we are submitting our minds and our plans to God’s plan.

“Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. If anyone serves me, he must follow me; and where I am, there will my servant be also. If anyone serves me, the Father will honor him.”

John 12:24-26 

The people who are truly alone, who will tragically die alone, are those who ignore God’s call to reconciliation and forgiveness. Those who care more about earthly success and choosing their own path. We must not live for ourselves, because we will die alone in the end, without anyone or anything we worked so hard for.

God actually describes His relationship to us as friendship.

A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

Pro 18:24 

Only one friendship is forever; only one is closer than anything else; only one is necessary for our life: that friendship is the one we have when we accept Christ as our Savior, Lord, and Friend.

Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.  You are my friends if you do what I command you. No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you.

John 15:13-15 

Jesus doesn’t just call us his servants, his students, his children, or even his brothers. He calls us friends. And He wants us to know God’s plan for us and the whole world. He has given us insight into the mysteries of God!

Who is the man who fears the LORD? Him will he instruct in the way that he should choose. His soul shall abide in well-being, and his offspring shall inherit the land. The friendship of the LORD is for those who fear him, and he makes known to them his covenant. My eyes are ever toward the LORD, for he will pluck my feet out of the net. Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted.

Psa 25:12-16 

Who does God reach down to in friendship? The one who calls out to Him, “Help! I am lonely! I am suffering! I need someone to help me!” These are the poor in spirit that Jesus describes. These are people who by God’s grace have some understanding of their true spiritual position. And God makes these people His friends! He reaches down, helps them out of the trap they are in, graciously teaches them, and even makes promises to them! He gives them instruction for their souls, for the way they should go; He gives them well-being and peace of mind; He even causes them to become heirs of His grace and to the promises He gives to all of His children. This is truly amazing.

If this is the kind of love I am called to emulate, if this is the ideal friendship; then I must not consider anyone to be lower than me and not capable of being my good friend. I’m ashamed to admit it, but I am often looking for maturity and similitude in the people I call my closest friends. But how can I disregard God’s example to me? I should reach down in loving friendship to any who call out or show that they are in need of a friend. This is the beginning of true love.

We can have a special relationship with God that brings His blessing on future generations.

And the Scripture was fulfilled that says, “Abraham believed God, and it was counted to him as righteousness”–and he was called a friend of God.

James 2:23 

But you, Israel, my servant, Jacob, whom I have chosen, the offspring of Abraham, my friend; you whom I took from the ends of the earth, and called from its farthest corners, saying to you, “You are my servant, I have chosen you and not cast you off”; fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Behold, all who are incensed against you shall be put to shame and confounded; those who strive against you shall be as nothing and shall perish. You shall seek those who contend with you, but you shall not find them; those who war against you shall be as nothing at all. For I, the LORD your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, “Fear not, I am the one who helps you.”

Isa 41:8-13 

It is not a coincidence that God mentions His friendship with Abraham during this discussion of the promises that He gives to His people, the children of Abraham. Ultimately, each of us will be judged based on our own personal relationship with God. But our relationship with Him, our friendship with Him, has an effect on future generations. If I have a close relationship with God, my children and others in the younger generation will see that, and they will see how He is teaching me, how He works in my life. This first-hand knowledge can encourage them to also want a relationship with Him.

Worldliness prohibits our friendship with God.

You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God.

James 4:4 

Love for God and love for this world cannot exist at the same time in our hearts. If we think we are friends with God, but we are obsessed with the world, we are deceiving ourselves. We must be careful and watch out for our tendency to put earthly things first, to long after earthly pleasure and selfish ambitions. These will push out our thoughts toward God if we let them. God is better than any other relationship, possession, feeling, accomplishment, or experience. God bent down to lift us up, even when we were rebels against Him!

If we feel like we are completely alone, we are not seeing the whole picture.

God has not rejected his people whom he foreknew. Do you not know what the Scripture says of Elijah, how he appeals to God against Israel? “Lord, they have killed your prophets, they have demolished your altars, and I alone am left, and they seek my life.” But what is God’s reply to him? “I have kept for myself seven thousand men who have not bowed the knee to Baal.” So too at the present time there is a remnant, chosen by grace.

Rom 11:2-5 

Elijah felt so alone and overwhelmed by the trials around him (which he was, it seems, facing alone) that he despaired. But God comforts Him, not only with strength and grace to endure the trial, but also by explaining to him that he was not alone.

When I feel alone, usually it is because I don’t have the ideal friend that I’d like to have. But that is not God’s intent. He does intend, however, to give me fellowship and strength through other believers; people who are following Him will encourage each other to keep doing that.

The fact that other believers around us don’t seem to be doing things perfectly doesn’t mean that they are not with us, able to encourage us. Even children, who are inexperienced, immature, and don’t have a clear idea of the world can still encourage us! We should be encouraged by children when they speak the truth, when say that they care about us, when we see them grow and develop. God has placed specific people—including children—into your life as a blessing and an encouragement, and we must not despise that or disregard it just because it isn’t the exact kind of fellowship we expect. Let us desire the good things that God has given us more than the hypothetical things that we can imagine! Help us to see the comfort and fellowship offered to us by the many Christians around us—some baby Christians, some struggling, some far more mature than we are.

In this broken world, it is good for us to make friendship a priority.

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.

Pro 17:17 

Again, I saw vanity under the sun: one person who has no other, either son or brother, yet there is no end to all his toil, and his eyes are never satisfied with riches, so that he never asks, “For whom am I toiling and depriving myself of pleasure?” This also is vanity and an unhappy business. Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him–a threefold cord is not quickly broken.

Ecclesiastes 4:7-12 

What are we working for? It is meaningless to put all of our effort into earthly treasure. Other people are spiritual beings, and we should strive to have relationships with them. God often uses these relationships to help us in our times of need. It is good for us to have friends whom we can rely on. God did not intend for us to be entirely independent individuals, doing our own thing and pursuing our own purposes. He made us social creatures that need Him and other people. And today, we should be looking for the people He has placed in our lives because they need us!

Suggested Reading:

Related Posts:

Avenues through Loneliness: The Steps out of Loneliness and into True Friendship and Intimacy

Proverbs 18: Don’t isolate & don’t be silent

Proverbs 27: How to keep friends and be influenced by (the right) people

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Posted By: desireetalbert · In: Growing in Grace