The “Proverbs 31 Woman” can be both an inspiring and terrifying figure. We may read an individual verse of Proverbs 31, and say, “Yes! I want to be like that!” We may read the entire chapter and say, “Oh, that is just impossible!”
For those of you who may be reading Proverbs for the first time, or who are unfamiliar with it, chapter 31 can be a surprising conclusion to this massive book on wisdom. Although we started the book with a picture of Wisdom as a strong woman standing and calling for people to listen to truth, we may not be expecting the book to end with a chapter devoted to describing the ideal woman.
I first want to mention a few key aspects of who she is, and then I want to discuss two surprising elements that have not always been part of how I envisioned her.
What is the Proverbs 31 Woman?
1. She is an asset to her family.
She is trustworthy—She wisely manages the family’s assets and adds value to the family rather than squandering what they have. She is frugal and wise with what God has given her.
She is diligent and hardworking—She actually enjoys her work. She doesn’t worry about the future because she knows that she has done her best and is trusting God.
She embraces strength rather than weakness—She is characterized by action and ability. She is not a passive onlooker but an active, strong member of her household and world. She doesn’t take the role of martyr or victim but chooses to fulfill her responsibilities in a God-honoring way.
17 She dresses herself with strength
and makes her arms strong.25 Strength and dignity are her clothing,
Proverbs 31:17, 25
and she laughs at the time to come.
2. She is a kind caretaker.
She always does good to her husband—She builds her husband up rather than tearing him down. Her actions and her communication promote his wellbeing.
She spends her time on others—She takes time to care for her children and makes sure that they have what they need. She speaks truth and gives financially to care for the people around her. She is generous, even to those outside her household. She exudes kindness because that is what is in her heart.
20 She opens her hand to the poor
and reaches out her hands to the needy.26 She opens her mouth with wisdom,
Proverbs 31:20, 26
and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
3. She is above all a faithful believer.
She fears God above everything else—Serving, worshipping, and loving God is her motivation. This is not some star of homemaking whose motivation is to have the best kept home and most successful children—this godly woman makes the Lord a priority and then works hard to care for people.
She is also an example of what Paul tells us to do in Romans:
1 I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. 2 Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.
Romans 12:1-2
She knows God’s truth and teaches it to others—She follows Deuteronomy 6:7 (“You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise”). She also follows Titus 2, teaching younger women.
We should all aspire to be this kind of woman, fearing God and choosing to serve Him in strength and wisdom. However, we might have some ideas that need to be adjusted in our view of this ideal woman. Here are two things that have stuck out to me over the years.
What might surprise us about the Proverbs 31 Woman?
1. She may not be a wife.
Although the entire chapter describes an excellent wife and all her work as a wife, mother, citizen, and follower of God, this woman doesn’t become excellent by getting or being married. Notice that the context of the chapter is a mother telling her son what kind of wife to look for.
An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels.
Proverbs 31:10
She doesn’t tell him to “train” an excellent wife. She tells him to find one. This woman is virtuous before she becomes a wife, and thus she has major wife potential. But if she goes on unmarried, you can imagine how amazing she would be as an asset to her family and community.
In I Corinthians 7, Paul describes some situations in which it is better not to bind yourself into a marriage, as well as the benefits to remaining unmarried:
34 And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. 35 I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord.
I Corinthians 7:34-35
We may find ourselves in the state of singleness. In fact, marriage is a temporary state, not a state that someone “graduates” to, unless we are thinking of the Marriage of the Church and the Lamb. Those following Jesus will someday be the Bride of Christ, and our earthly marriages are just temporary states, shadows of that ultimate marriage to come!
Several years ago, I was part of a study through the book Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye: Trusting God with a Hope Deferred by Carolyn McCulley. We worked through this book because the majority of the ladies in my church were single, living far away from home, putting all of their energy into serving God in China rather than placing themselves in what some might consider more ideal circumstances for finding a husband. This book’s title (and foreword) are a bit unfortunate because they don’t give you a clear idea of what the book is really about. What you find inside its covers is an amazing study through Proverbs 31 from the perspective of a single woman. I highly recommend this study for single woman and married women. I learned a lot about how to encourage my single friends. What I didn’t anticipate was how much it would help me personally. As I studied this book, I kept thinking to myself, “This could be me! I need to pay attention.” Because my father died when I was just 10 years old, I have always been aware of the temporary nature of marriage. This book helped me to consider how I would respond to being single again, and how I could live out Proverbs 31, and help other women do so, no matter what our marital status.
2. When she is married, she puts her husband first.
I think it is significant that this woman is described throughout the chapter as an excellent wife, and her duties as a mother are a subset of her life as a wife. Her children are not mentioned very often in the chapter—it is her husband and her entire household that she is serving. This chapter helps us to prioritize our relationships in the way that God intends.
We rightly view our children as precious gifts given to us by God, and we should invest significant time in their health, development, and spiritual growth. However, our children have the potential to become idols in our lives. Because they need us in so many ways, we can tend to pour all of our time into them. (Check out this article about the answer to problematic and obsessive thoughts in motherhood.) If I have elevated my children too high in my heart, I must begin by seeing how I can serve God. (And I need to remember the hierarchy of relationships that He has created.
7 ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, 8 and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh.
Mark 10:7-8
Children leave their parents to be united to their spouse, and this aspect of marriage should also be remembered by parents—they must also “hold fast” to their spouse. If they do not make this their practice, how will they respond when their children are ready to leave and make homes of their own?
If I see myself first and foremost as a mother, my life will come crashing down when my children leave. My identity will be destroyed if I fail to have children or if something happens to my children. I must first know and serve God, strive to be an excellent wife that does my husband good, and work diligently to care for and teach my children—in that order.
The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.
Proverbs 31:11-12
She is her husband’s helper, and everything she does falls into place in that role. Their hearts are connected—she has shown herself to be a stable, diligent helper that he can trust. She makes it her job to ensure that he has what he needs. She doesn’t do this as an automaton, merely fulfilling her duty; but instead, out of a heart of love. Her heart is devoted and loyal to him, intent on doing him good and no harm at all.
This means that she isn’t coldly running through a list of tasks, fulfilling her responsibilities to him but not connecting with him emotionally. She is forgiving, and she does him good in every way, including being the friend and lover that he needs. She is not the “excellent wife” because he is the perfect husband. She is the excellent wife because she fears the Lord and has learned to forgive and love her imperfect husband. She knows that she is also in need of forgiveness and relies on him for help and guidance too.
From a biblical perspective, “does him good” also means more than just making his life pleasant and comfortable. She is a sanctifying element in his life, just as he should be in hers. When her husband stumbles, she acts as his closest friend by helping to restore him:
1 Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. 2 Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.
Galatians 6:1-2
The good she does him continues the rest of her life, not just his. If he dies before her, she will continue to serve him by honoring him, refusing to gossip about him, and most of all, by continuing to take care of their children.
You can follow this pattern
Regardless of age, marital status, and number of children, we can follow this beautiful example of a woman who fears God and is an asset to her family and community. Don’t fall into the trap of looking at this chapter and saying, “Well, I don’t fit the mold in such-and-such way and so I can never be the Proverbs 31 woman.”
Although this chapter is in the context of a mother teaching her son what kind of woman makes a great wife, the marriage we are all waiting for is the eternal union with Christ in heaven. Today, we should strive to be the kinds of women who love the Lord our God with all our heart and with all our soul and with all our might. Jesus is coming for His Bride. What a wedding reception we will experience then!
5 Then I heard what seemed to be the voice of a great multitude, like the roar of many waters and like the sound of mighty peals of thunder, crying out,
6 “Hallelujah!
For the Lord our God
the Almighty reigns.
7 Let us rejoice and exult
and give him the glory,
for the marriage of the Lamb has come,
and his Bride has made herself ready;
8 it was granted her to clothe herself
with fine linen, bright and pure”—for the fine linen is the righteous deeds of the saints.
Revelation 19:6-8
What are some ways that you will try to be a Proverbs 31 Woman today? Join the Proverbs Reading Challenge and join the community here by commenting below!
Suggested Reading:
Through personal anecdotes and careful examination of Scripture, Carolyn McCulley challenges single women to regard their singleness not as a burden, but as a gift from God that allows them to perform a unique role in the body of Christ. (Amazon description)
Sacred Marriage doesn’t just offer techniques to make a marriage happier. It does contain practical tools, but what married Christians most need is help in becoming holier husbands and wives. Sacred Marriage offers that help with insights from Scripture, church history, time tested wisdom from Christian classics, and examples from today’s marriages. (Amazon description)
“Derek Kidner has not only provided a running commentary on the whole of Proverbs, but has also included two helpful study aids: a set of subject guides that bring together teaching scattered throughout the book, and a short concordance that helps locate lost sayings (in territory notoriously hard to search) and encourages further subject studies. In short, this volume is a wise person’s guide to wisdom.” (Amazon description)
Related Posts:
**This post contains affiliate links, meaning that—at no cost to you—I may receive a commission on qualifying purchases if you link through this site. Thank you for your support of my writing!**
This article is part of a series through the book of Proverbs. You can read more meditations on Proverbs on other pages of this site. Also, please consider joining the Proverbs Reading Challenge!
