Search for the word “better” in Proverbs, and you will find a plethora of rich verses that help reorient our values. They are typically verses along these lines:
A good name is to be chosen rather than great riches, and favor is better than silver or gold.
Proverbs 22:1
But there is a group of verses in this “better” category that can be quite painful to read, especially for those of us who have struggled with anger. Proverbs 21 holds not just one but two of these.
9 It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.
19 It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman.
Proverbs 21:9, 19
These verses are different in nature from the typical verses with “better” because rather than hold up two different paths or values in life, the verses about the angry woman don’t represent a true choice. If the quarrelsome wife is your wife or your mother, Proverbs isn’t promoting the option of leaving her and living alone. Instead, it is using this pattern to point out the very terrible nature of living with someone like this. If you end your meditation there, that can be a pretty devastating place to be. We may wonder if we are like the angry woman it speaks of, and we can wonder to what extent the people around us would rather suffer in a desert than be around us.
But these verses aren’t here to simply condemn an angry woman, state how miserable her family must be, and leave it at that. God’s word gives us real solutions for anger.
We can continue reading the chapter:
11 When a scoffer is punished, the simple becomes wise;
when a wise man [or woman!] is instructed, he [or she] gains knowledge.21 Whoever pursues righteousness and kindness
will find life, righteousness, and honor.23 Whoever keeps his [or her] mouth and tongue
keeps himself [or herself] out of trouble.
Proverbs 21:11, 21, 23
Everyone benefits from these verses if they continue to meditate on God’s path to change, which begins with being teachable and fearing the Lord, and continues as we choose righteousness and kindness in our actions and words.
There is a case study of sorts for the Proverbs 21 woman later on in the Bible, and it has a beautiful message for us as we try to pursue peace and love in our homes. Let’s look at Luke 10:38-42 (emphasis added).
Martha and Mary
Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet and listened to his teaching. But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me.” But the Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.”
The scene: an angry, quarrelsome woman
Notice that Martha, although not a wife, is falling into the pit of the Proverbs 21 woman. She doesn’t seem extremely angry or extremely quarrelsome, but her behavior reflects that, in big or small ways, her heart is going down this dangerous path.
Notice Christ’s response. He doesn’t say, “Ok, everyone, out of the presence of this contentious woman!” No, He engages her in gentle but firm conversation about what is true.
The cause: anxiety and concerns
So much of our anger is caused by our worries and concerns. We get worried about something we care about deeply, and we can lash out to defend it or implode if we feel like others have made things impossible. Christ lovingly challenges Martha to reconsider the things that she is caring about in this worried manner. Through the record of scripture, He lovingly challenges us as well.
Our gracious Savior tells us to reject perfectionism and embrace better priorities. We don’t need to do everything. We need to do the most important thing first. Then choose the things that really matter, rejecting the urge to add more and more to our list of things that must be done, especially if this list is making us demanding, quarrelsome, and angry.
The solution: sitting at the feet of Jesus
The most important thing, the thing we must put before anything else, is sitting at the feet of Jesus. This means learning from His teaching, submitting our hearts to His truth, and worshiping our Savior. When we do this, we are taking the necessary steps to abide in Him as well as obeying His command to us in Matthew 6.
Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.
Matthew 6:31-33
Let’s not allow the concerns and tasks of the temporal consume the time and energy that we ought to devote to the eternal.
4 steps to overcome anger
1. Remember our God-given limitations.
A special challenge is that we do not all have the same amount of energy or time. When we look at how others are managing their household or accomplishing certain things, we can often then make demands on ourselves to do the same. Or worse, make demands on others to ensure that these things happen. So often, like Martha, these expectations and concerns are what lead to our anger.
God may have given us serious limitations. Although we can learn from others and be inspired by others, we may not, in the end, be able to do the same things. We must never make any accomplishment an idol that causes us to forsake the one thing that is necessary.
2. Recognize when we are not putting Christ first.
It is not possible to accomplish certain feats, pursue certain ambitions, or manage our households in certain ways while putting Christ first. If we get our ideas from the world about what success, security, and accomplishment look like, then that will set us up for failure. Our ambition must be for God first and then for “all these things.”
3. Pray over our priorities.
Whenever we write down our tasks and make plans for the day, we should spend a few minutes praying over these goals. We begin by asking God to help us accomplish them and help us to see which of them are not necessary. Ultimately, it’s His will that we are seeking, not our own list of things to do. He will direct us and help us to cultivate what really matters.
4. Meditate on God’s truth and wisdom.
As we are making that list of tasks for the day, there should be an entry for Bible reading and worship. We don’t want to treat our time of sitting at Christ’s feet as merely another task. We add it, not so that we can check it off, but so that we can see it and be reminded throughout the day that it is God’s word that will change us and guide us through all of the other tasks.
Our kind Father has a path for us that ends in success as He defines it. It is a path of humility, seeing that we are limited while He is infinite. So often we try to carry too much, take on too much, do too much. He reminds us of this while offering to take on our anxieties for us:
Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time He may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because He cares for you.
1 Peter 5:6-7
We can rest in His love and wait for His exaltation. Holding on to these burdens can lead us to become demanding, angry, and quarrelsome people. Instead, we can devote ourselves to Him. We can fling our burdens over to Him. He will catch them every time.
This article is part of a series through the book of Proverbs. You can read more meditations on Proverbs on other pages of this site. Also, please consider joining the Proverbs Reading Challenge!
For some great resources on dealing anger according to scripture, check out this list.
Suggested Reading:
“With her fresh approach to the familiar Bible story, Joanna Weaver shows how all of us, Marys and Marthas alike, can draw closer to our Lord: deepening our devotion, strengthening our service, and doing both with less stress and greater joy.” (Amazon description)
“Powlison reminds us that God gets angry too. He sees things in this world that aren’t right and he wants justice too. But God’s anger doesn’t devolve into manipulation or trying to control others to get his own way. Instead his anger is good and redemptive. It causes him to step into our world to make wrongs right, sending his own Son to die so that we can be reconciled. He is both our model for change and our power to change.” (Amazon description)
“Triggers: Exchanging Parent’s Angry Reactions for Gentle Biblical Responses examines common parenting issues that cause us to explode inappropriately at our children. Moving beyond simple parenting tips on how to change your child’s behavior, authors Amber Lia and Wendy Speake offer biblical insight and practical tools to equip and encourage you on the journey away from anger-filled reactions toward gentle, biblical responses.” (Amazon description)
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